Unraveling the Past: the First Trauma- S.A. Survivor
- Jan 1, 2024
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 9, 2024
I don't think I've ever really shed tears over this incident, except for the day it occurred. I've spent numerous days and nights pondering about it, and in the past, I would have flashbacks when I was younger. Those instances were filled with countless questions swirling in my head as I tried to comprehend the truth of it all. It's as though I'm aware that it took place. I understand the pain, the anguish, the fear, and the emotions that accompany such a traumatic event. Despite the endless flow of questions racing through my mind from that single moment, I still find myself wondering more, "Did this truly happen?"
Why do we constantly question ourselves as if we are outsiders observing our own lives? We often doubt our own truthfulness or the accuracy of events, casting ourselves as skeptics of our own identity. We find ourselves pondering whether our experiences were real or mere creations of our minds. However, the truth remains that we were present in those moments, those events did occur, so there is no use denying it to ourselves. Why do memories linger? Because they are genuine. I had to undergo a process of self-healing; to try and get rid of the memories. In such circumstances, only you can decide to become stronger, and truly remove those memories from reoccurring over and over. It may take time, but as time passes, you will grow stronger, even if the progress is not immediately apparent.
There are numerous individuals who are not directly involved in the situation but tend to view individuals who have experienced trauma, particularly sexual assault, in a negative light. These observers often perceive the victim as either mentally unstable or dishonest. This raises the question: why do people doubt the testimonies of those who speak out about being harmed, even when it is children sharing their experiences? It is absurd to me.
I acknowledge the existence of deceitful individuals who invent falsehoods and spread malicious lies about others. It is true that most people do not remember events from when they were 3 years old. I also understand that our mental well-being can distort our perception of reality. Nevertheless, it is essential to listen to those who have truly been hurt and traumatized, especially children. We must refrain from making hasty judgments and ensure that their voices are heard. Healing can be hindered when people refuse to listen or provide support. Will you offer assistance to aid someone in their healing process? Can you avoid rushing to judgment or assuming the worst about someone who has experienced trauma? Each individual's mental state is unique, and some may be better equipped to cope with trauma than others. While we may differ in our mental health, we are not alone in our struggles. Many of us feel isolated in a world that fails to understand us, causing us to internalize our trauma and worsen our mental suffering. It is crucial to have faith in ourselves and our capacity to heal. Let us reject the negativity of others and focus on our own journey to healing. We heal for ourselves, not for external validation, even though our loved ones may benefit from our healing. Our pain is a challenge we must overcome. Let the path to healing continue.
Just hear a tiny piece of my story, and you'll understand a little to my passion and my need to bring awareness to those not inflicted, and comfort those that have. (for the full story, you'll have to buy my upcoming book, A Forty Year Flight) Sign up to be notified when it hits shelves! -
By the age of 3, our memories are incomplete and our sense of time may be skewed. Children perceive things differently from adults due to their distinct cognitive processes. Despite this, I believe that fundamental concepts and key memories are retained even at a young age, particularly those associated with traumatic experiences, based on my own lived experiences.
Memories, words spoken, and actions taken during a traumatic experience can continuously replay in our minds. However, the specific details may become hazy. Inquiries such as "Where were you?", "Why didn't you seek assistance?", or "Why didn't you disclose what happened?" all circle back to placing blame on the victim. Shouldn't we have moved past that by now? These interrogations will not lead to any resolution but will only add more negativity to the individual in need of support. While they might serve as a reference for potential future occurrences, our focus should be on aiding them through their current situation by offering a listening ear and assisting them in overcoming the ordeal.
As I share a little bit of the event, please remember that this all comes from my memories 43 years ago. Discussions of this event, even with my parents, and my siblings, did not come out until adulthood. Recently to be exact. This had been a closed door for many years, while I went into flight mode. Even a therapist who works with victims through trauma therapy didn't hear this until a few months ago.
I will confirm that I was 3 years old when I vividly recall every aspect of the incident. This memory has been etched in my mind for 43 years. With maturity, I have gained a deeper understanding of the situation, comprehending the inappropriate and repulsive actions of the individual involved. As I matured, I came to realize the wrongness and repulsiveness of the act, understanding the profound impact of this traumatic event. Although it occurred only once, the repercussions have endured through the years, resulting in lasting emotional distress. A single malicious act by one individual has led to a lifetime of internal conflict and harm.
*To protect those a little more sensitive to their own personal situation & haven't healed yet, I will only give beginning details to the actual events in my book.*
Here is a glimpse of the beginning of my story of A 40 Year Flight.
I was 3 years old, I observed that my mother's relatives, along with many of her siblings, were at my grandparents' residence in Covina, CA, off of Grandhal. The reason for our gathering was my father's impending job relocation to another state, signaling our upcoming move to Oklahoma. While it may not have been explicitly mentioned, I interpreted this gathering as a farewell gathering.
I recall being a thirsty child this day, constantly asking for a drink and being a nuisance while the adults were all talking. My mom knelt down to my level, promising to get me a drink shortly and asking me to wait until she finished talking.
My mom was a good mom. She did take care of us well. She gave that love, I remember that. I remember always being with mom. She normally never left us with anyone other than my Nanny (grandmother) and that was rare. Mom always was the one watching us, feeding us, tending to us, making sure we did this and that. Making sure we were protected at all times. As I tell her I'm thirsty one more time, I hear a man say, "I'll make her a drink". I remember this vividly. I felt something weird over take the room almost instantly as he spoke. As an adult now, I can tell you it was the energy, maybe even an evil spirit that I felt. The energy of the room changed and I was feeling scared as he handed me a drink.
I took a drink and instantly, I started to get a headache. Pain, lots of pain immediately in my head. I start feeling nauseous. I am getting sick now. I now change my whining to, "my head hurts", as my mom has to stop talking with family one more time. "mommy, my head hurts", as I tug on her. After countless whines, I get told to go lay down and help it go away. She picks me up and takes me down the hallway to the very end of the hall, on the right. I notice when she opens the door, it is freezing. Very very....very.... cold. The temperature of this room had to be 20* colder than one step into the hallway. I remember thinking that was extremely odd and the air felt thick. It was dark. There was absolutely no light inside that room. I cried for her not to let me stay in there. She said it would help my head and to try and rest, she would check on me before she left. She let me know she may step out with everyone for just a little bit. I immediately fell asleep as she closed the door.
"I woke up a little..... "How much time has passed?", I thought. At this time, I feel groggy. My head still hurts a little. I hear something and... I'm back out again. Then I feel someone touching my arm and the same thoughts flash through my head, and again, I'm out. When I finally come alert enough, I am able to fully realize that I need to run."
Due to the darkness, my vision is impaired, but I rely on my other senses to navigate. While there is a man present on the bed with me, his identity remains unknown. Despite being only 3 years old, I bravely stand up and leap off the tall bed. A sinister laughter echoes as I hit the floor and struggle to open the door..... like a toddler. Hastily, I sprint down the seemingly endless hallway and enter the bathroom on the left.
What I run into is a completely tiled bathroom filled with steam and it's completely drenched. He has the shower running, fully hot water and the bathroom is slick from all the condensation. I run and try to climb on the top of the toilet bowl. I'm not sure why, I'm 3. I even remember thinking that. Getting to the top and thinking, "Well this isn't going to work. What do I do?, What do I do?".... as he swings open the door, I slip off the toilet and whack my head on the corner of the ceramic counter top. I am knocked out cold! I'm not sure how long I was out, but I suddenly feel a smack against my face and someone shaking me. "Don't die now, that wouldn't be good on me". I wake enough to hear those daunting words and..... I'm back out. As I drift in and out of consciousness, I notice he is carrying me back down the hall. To another bedroom.
This is the section where I store the specifics and the continuation of the narrative for the book. It provides a brief insight into a story where you can anticipate what might unfold. Additionally, I delve into the account of a second assault at 13 and the third traumatic experience of being drugged and raped at 14, all of which will be discussed in my forthcoming book, "A 40 Year Flight."
In the book, I delve into the thoughts, words spoken to me, triggering moments, and the reasons behind his actions towards me. I reveal how a traumatic experience can offer a glimmer of light amidst the darkness. Subsequently, I navigated through fear, embarrassment, and shame for a significant part of my life. I will further explore comprehending the initial incident and how it shaped my understanding of subsequent events, including one at the age of 13, marked by increased shame and embarrassment. This narrative marks the onset of a series of traumatic incidents occurring at various stages of my life, involving different individuals. It sets the stage for a 40-year journey and serves as a beacon of hope for those seeking to overcome sexual abuse, molestation, and rape. Through my writing and personal account, I aim to provide a voice for those who may feel unheard.
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