Spiritual: Praying Without Wisdom

Have you ever prayed when you were younger without fully understanding what you were doing? Like you simply began praying, without any prior experience, not in a religious setting, just prayed?

During my junior and senior years of high school, I went through a rebellious phase that I now reflect on with a combination of remorse & some regret. While my classmates were concentrating on obtaining scholarships and mapping out their futures, I was caught up in a whirlwind of clue-less'ness. It began harmlessly with occasional drug use and weekend gatherings, but quickly spiraled into a more isolated existence. I had no idea what I was doing or even that I was mentally overcoming trauma, and didn't know. I was just going daily through the motions of life.

I got involved with someone, my junior year, who sold drugs; it was a pivotal moment that led me down a path of self-destruction. I was only 16, young and naive, thinking I was invincible and untouchable. Not paying attention to anyone or anything.

After graduating high school at a tender age of 17, I made a rash decision to move in with my boyfriend, the drug dealer. Leaving behind the safety and security of my parents' home, I embarked on a journey that would forever change the course of my life. A trip to California.... again, served as the catalyst for my fateful choice, as I made the impulsive decision to abandon conventional paths in favor of a risky and uncertain future. Though I knew I had a mini plan of moving to New York, becoming an architectural & interior designer, decorator. Not sure why I chose NY, but I did..... Never made it there.

Reflecting on those days, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking. While my peers were diligently preparing for college or saving up for their own homes, I was recklessly immersing myself in a world of chaos and unpredictability. The contrast between my choices and those of my classmates couldn't have been starker, highlighting the divergent paths we had chosen to follow.

I mean, he was nice to me, bought me stuff, but it's not about who he was, but more of who I was really? I had spent my whole life in flight mode due to trauma and fear. (book coming soon) I was also trying to cope after secretly holding in that I was drugged and raped at 14. I am figuring that is how I may have gotten there, but what I often wonder is where I was mentally. I had friends, fun times, and life. I know I talked to people and was actually very very social and outgoing. Totally opposite of how I am now. I often wonder if I like people these days. haha and then God says, "yes, child, they are all My children."....... ugh, okay. lol "so,them too?"

Reflecting on the past, I find myself delving into the complexities of my emotions and experiences during that period of my life. It was a time of internal struggle, where the weight of past trauma and the burden of unspoken pain shaped my interactions and perceptions. Despite the facade of social ease and outgoing nature, there was a profound disconnect between the person I presented to the world and the turmoil brewing within me.

The journey of self-discovery and healing has led me to confront the layers of hurt and confusion that once clouded my sense of self. As I navigate the intricacies of my past, I am met with moments of introspection where I question not only the actions of others but also my own reactions and choices. The realization that my past experiences have influenced my present self in ways I am still unraveling brings a sense of both clarity and uncertainty. In contemplating the nature of my relationships with others, I find myself oscillating between moments of doubt and moments of faith. The echoes of past betrayals and vulnerabilities linger, shaping my interactions and perceptions of those around me. Yet, amidst the shadows of doubt, there is a glimmer of hope - a reminder that every individual is connected through a shared humanity, a notion reinforced by a divine presence that reminds me of the inherent worth and dignity of all beings. As I continue to navigate the complexities of my past and present, I am reminded that the journey towards self-acceptance and healing is a process filled with twists and turns, laughter and tears. Each step forward brings me closer to a place of understanding and compassion, not only for others but also for myself. And in this journey of self-discovery, I find solace in the realization that every experience, every emotion, and every encounter has played a part in shaping the person I am today.

In any case, I sensed that I was on a path that didn't feel right. Although I couldn't fully comprehend my emotions, I could perceive the misalignment of my journey and envision the negative consequences if I continued. Following my trip to California, I settled in and secured a job at Garfield's, a restaurant in the nearby mall. It was there that I first encountered my ex-husband and we developed a friendship. This is likely the only account of him that I will share publicly. Despite our lack of compatibility, I always acknowledge, "He was a positive influence in my life during that period. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world." I know that God sent him to me for a season. A season in which I am very grateful, for it gave me 2 beautiful children.

My Prayer without Wisdom

I hardly ever saw my parents or my sister, whom I loved dearly at that time. I was too self-absorbed, tired, and lonely. I vividly recall the deep sense of isolation I experienced. I would often be left alone in my apartment while my drug-dealing boyfriend was out gathering his goods, leaving me there for days on end. I was getting rides to work, feeling like I was spiraling downward, unsure of what to do with myself. Despite being a complete mess, I was fortunate to have some good friends who I invited over to swim, including a guy (who would later become my ex) with whom I had a conversation. He advised me to leave that house and distance myself from the dealer, which was something I already knew deep down, but my mind was clouded. Others had also given me the same advice after I had opened up to them about my feelings.

After a few weeks passed, I came to the realization that I was consuming two packs of cigarettes daily, using crank, smoking weed occasionally, and drinking, all while being under 18 years old. I felt like I was deteriorating internally at a young age. I sensed the necessity for a change, but couldn't envision a way forward. I kept my struggles hidden from my parents as I was reluctant to return to live with them or go back to Checotah.

Again, alone... sitting there bawling, crying out how did I get here and why I was where I was at. I sat up and with tons of emotions, I screamed out to God, for the first time with a heavy heart. I said, "God, I need you. I'm scared of ending up in a ditch, dead, or arrested for drugs. I don't want to be in trouble for his doing. Get me out before it's too late. I'm scared. What do I do?"

He Shows Up on Time

God is always there, but when we put prayer to Him in our lives, on the daily, that we can see the actions He has taken in our lives. I didn't realize that when I was young and dumb, weak and lacking His Holy wisdom.

During that particular moment of prayer, my emotions were overwhelming, and my mind was clouded with distress. I found myself unable to find peace or clarity in my connection with God. Despite my frantic state and the chaos within me, I continued to pour out my heart to Him, hoping for some form of solace. The weight of my own struggles and the influence of negative forces had obscured my ability to perceive His presence or hear His voice.

In my desperation, I realized that my own self-reliance and preoccupation with worldly matters had hindered my ability to truly listen and commune with the divine. I was consumed by my own thoughts and concerns, drowning out any potential guidance or comfort that God may have been trying to impart. It was a moment of realization that my own need for control and worldly distractions had distanced me from the spiritual connection I sought.

Despite my shortcomings and the barriers I had erected, God remained steadfast in His attentiveness to my cries. He heard the sincerity in my pleas, even when I was unable to fully grasp the depth of His presence. It was a humbling experience to acknowledge my own limitations and the ways in which I had allowed external influences to cloud my spiritual perception.

Looking back, I see that it was a pivotal moment of growth and introspection, a reminder of the importance of stillness and surrender in prayer. It served as a lesson in humility and a call to realign my priorities, seeking a deeper connection with God free from the distractions and burdens of the world.

I just continued to go work, where my co-worker, (ex) asked one day out of the blue, if I wanted to move in with him to get out of the situation. He still lived at his moms, so it really was a just to get me away, but then I didn't leave there and we formed a relationship that lasted off and on for 4 years, then 2 children later and what seemed like a million breakups, we ended the relationship after 15 years. Also, not only do I feel God had put my ex in my life at that moment, to get me off of the wrong path, It was in that moment, I had never touched any drug of any kind and rarely drank at all.. wine occasionally, and as of cigarettes, I instantly quit the 2 packs a day, until..... we divorced. Then I lost myself for a minute, I smoked for a few years. I'm done for good now. I like to breathe. Been a few years. haha

Despite the challenges I faced in the past relationship that resulted in my two beautiful daughters, I now find myself in a new chapter of my life, remarried to a man whom I believe was truly meant for me. Our story began in 5th grade, where we orbited in the same social circles but never truly connected until much later in life. The serendipity of our reunion and subsequent relationship has been nothing short of a divine intervention. Together, we have been blessed with a daughter, and our marriage is a testament to the power of faith and perseverance.

The journey to this point has taught me that God works in mysterious ways, often bringing people into our lives precisely when we need them the most. Through prayer and unwavering faith, we can create space for these blessings to manifest. It is a reminder that God's timing is always perfect, even when we may not understand it in the moment. The support and love I have found in my current marriage are a testament to the belief that God's plan for us is greater than anything we could imagine.

In the midst of life's uncertainties and challenges, I have learned to trust in the presence of a higher power that guides and protects us. This newfound sense of spiritual connection has brought me peace and solace, knowing that I am never alone on this journey. As I reflect on the twists and turns that have led me to where I am today, I am filled with gratitude for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.

I cried out in prayer and I did not have the wisdom or understanding as to what I was doing. I just knew I needed Him, and He showed up and delivered me. Delivered me from a path that, because of my will, I got going down ignorantly. I want my road paved in light and love, the road God has for me, if I just call out to Him daily. Will you?

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