Unraveling the Past: The Second Trauma- S.A. Survivor

Another story of California. Just like the first. However, this time it's been years since I was last there at 3 years old. If you know, you know..if not, find out here with the first trauma, link.

I was a stubborn little thing in my youth. I had gotten in trouble with my parents (nothing illegal, I try to follow the rules way too much). Anyways, they had someone tell them that I had been dating someone way older than me.

See... I was 13 and he was 21. Yeah, dude... I see it now, but not then. Anyways... To keep me from him, it was best that I went to California for the summer and stay with my Aunt & Uncle. It did help for a bit. I stayed and hung out with my cousin most of the time. She was a little older than me. By brother, who is 8 years older than me, lived out there as well; so I got to hang out with him there too. I pretty much sat around watching Beavis & Butthead, watching my favorite videos. I was a 90's teenager.

One night she was going out to see her boyfriend at his apartment and asked if I wanted to go. We drove for what seemed like forever from Glendora to L.A. . We talked and got to know each other now that we were older. We become really close on this drive I thought.

We go in and I meet her boyfriend and his roommates. I remember one of his roommates was very thin and very tall and ate popcorn most of his days, he told me. As we sit there and discuss life and I answer a million questions thrown at me on where I'm from and how they enjoyed listening to me talk. But suddenly, I feel that the same deep, dark energy that I felt on trauma 1., fills the room. The air is thick. I remember this feel. I'm sort of disoriented in a way. I can't explain the exact feeling. Back then, I barely even noticed it, but to this day, I can recall the negative energy. More as I go back to the feelings, emotions, and experiences of that night, I can as an adult, put understanding to what happened around me back then. But... at 13... you're in your own little world.

My cousin's at the time boyfriend, scumbag is what we will call him, cause I honestly don't remember his name. I had just met him for maybe 30 minutes. He called me into his room "to talk" about a gift for my cousin. I look at my cousin, like what? She smiled a confused smile. As I enter, I hear him lock the door and I spin around, in a "What the hell?" response.

I instantly get that feeling over me, I felt this before. Many years ago, when I was three years old. I had gotten over that feeling of this particular fear, since I had healed from that portion of the trauma. Actually, not healed, but still flying through in flight mode. Why now? Why do I have to feel this again? What do I do? Anxiety.... I remember.

I try to get out and just try to be able to tell my cousin that he was attacking me, but here comes the silence, the immediate choking hold of the tongue and flight.... you're alone, no one is going to help you, so just shut up and fight", I tell myself. "You're not a little helpless girl. You've aged 10 years." I remember him tugging on my arm trying to pull me to him, as I fought, squirming.... he let go & then pushed me against the wall... I was instantly knocked unconscious. I woke up on his bed with a knife to my side and him trying to undress me.

I swing and am going to fight this piece of shit. I remember, this will not happen to me again. Screw that! I ran to the door, as I go to grab the door knob, he pulls me back into a bathroom inside his room. I see that doorknob, that I was focused on, get out of reach and slam on the floor. I won't discuss everything that happened, that is for my book. Just to save those that have not healed yet, from hearing details that may trigger their trauma. Need less to say, I almost Lorena Bobbett'ed his punk ass.

As I ran out, I immediately sat on the couch and panicked wondering what to do. Been there, wasn't about to share. In a split moment I went from needing out of the room to scream to my cousin what he was doing, to being mute. I didn't know what to say to my cousin or how to state what happened. Though he didn't have success in getting in my pants. I still couldn't speak. Trauma silenced me.

Now I continue my flight mode with a new trauma...... and my cousin hating me, all because she thought I screwed her boyfriend. I didn't, but he did try to rape me. I was a 13 year old 87lb little girl, and he was a weak ass bitch, so thankfully, I was able to get away.

So many years went by and she assumed I screwed him. How humiliating that is for me, because I didn't speak up... again.

Silenced by the trauma is a profound and isolating experience that many individuals face. The weight of trauma can manifest in various ways, impacting individuals differently. Some may find themselves in a constant battle to overcome the silence, while others may be overwhelmed by emotions, leading to tears and vulnerability. There are also those who choose to flee from the pain, seeking solace in distance. In the midst of this turmoil, there are those who, like me, feel paralyzed by the intensity of their emotions, their voices stifled by the weight of their experiences. The inability to speak out can feel like being trapped in a suffocating silence, where words fail to escape and emotions remain locked within. It is a challenging journey to navigate, but remember that healing is possible, and there are paths to reclaiming your voice and finding solace in the midst of the trauma.

I hope you find the courage within yourself to stand up and bravely open up about your experiences. Sharing your story can be a powerful way to not only release the burden you carry but also to inspire healing in others who may be going through similar struggles. It takes strength to confront our traumas and vulnerabilities, but in doing so, we take the first step towards true healing. Remember that it's completely okay if you find it difficult to speak out right now; everyone's journey is unique, and healing happens at its own pace.

The process of overcoming trauma can be filled with uncertainties and questions that seem to have no answers. It's normal to wonder why you couldn't fight for justice or why certain things happened the way they did. But know that you are not alone in this journey. By acknowledging your pain and seeking support, you are already on the path towards reclaiming your power and finding peace within yourself. Trust in your resilience and inner strength, for they will guide you towards a brighter and more hopeful future.

Look for my upcoming charity for survivors.